By: Joseph Goldy, CFP® with guest writer Lauryn Tuchman, LCSW
A few years ago, I remembered having a conversation with a divorced client that stuck with me. The client struggled to decide whether to keep or sell the marital home after her finalized divorce. Although she asked the right questions and thoroughly understood the numbers, I could tell emotions guided her decision-making, not logic.
I wanted to help her make the best decision, but I quickly realized the part of the brain responsible for logical thinking, the frontal lobe, is no match for the amygdala, the area of the brain that drives emotions. We're all human, and human brains are wired a certain way. We make decisions based on how we feel emotionally, then reinforce that decision with whatever logic we need to justify it.
I recently reached out to Lauryn Tuchman, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in northern New Jersey, to get her insight into how emotions play into our financial decisions and how couples who avoid discussions about money do so at their own peril.
Lauryn Tuchman, LCSW, shares her real-world experience of navigating emotions when talking about money...
When thinking about matters of the wallet, we rarely take the time to acknowledge the emotional weight that our financial decisions have in our daily lives, life choices, or even the health of our relationships. But make no mistake, how we spend, save or even think about money is emotional! The topic of spending usually does not come up at home as often as necessary until there is a problem.
When considering reasons to seek counseling, most tend to seek support for challenges such as anxiety, depression, loss, substance use, and marital or family conflict. Rarely do we consider the need or benefit of counseling to learn how to effectively communicate and broach hard conversations about money and financial planning.
However, financial stress or the avoidance of confronting financial challenges may cause anxiety, depression, or relational conflict–and, ultimately, separation or divorce.
Often, financial planning in a relationship or marriage can quickly become the 'elephant in the room.' Many couples will avoid financial planning. Meaningful conversations about money may be avoided until a financial crisis or significant life change happens.
A therapist may help open the conversation around core beliefs and feelings about how money is saved or spent. A licensed therapist can provide support and direction in addressing common questions such as:
Will I be able to afford to stay in my home with my children if something happens to my spouse?
Can we afford the lifestyle we are living?
My partner and I have different views about how much we want to provide for our children for college, and I feel angry and resentful about our different perspectives.
Will I be able to afford my home after the divorce?
If my spouse dies, will I be able to afford to remain in my home?
Financial thresholds for spending, saving, purchasing a home, investing, and planning for retirement may differ based on upbringing, aspirations, and core beliefs about what and how money should be spent. Whether single or in a relationship, planning for your financial future can help mitigate future stress during a crisis.
For example, navigating financial responsibilities after the death of a loved one can feel completely overwhelming. Grief and loneliness after losing a loved one can lead to poor financial decisions, such as selling a home and moving too quickly, indulging in excessive spending, the inability to make critical decisions, or possibly acting too hastily.
Unfortunately, in partnerships or marriages, the lack of ongoing conversations about financial planning can lead to a breakdown in communication, creating anxiety, resentment, and emotional distance.
Maintaining connections and open communication lines is paramount in a healthy relationship or marriage. However, a couple also needs to have ongoing conversations about financial decisions and planning to ensure that they are equipped to handle any challenges, either individually or collectively, that they may face in the future.
What are the critical conversations that are not being named as you plan? What topics are being avoided in your life that have financial implications? How can working with a therapist be helpful, inspiring, and significant to the health and wealth of your family and future?
A financial planner can reinforce the importance of spousal involvement so that the "less financial" spouse knows what's happening and how to be better prepared should they need to oversee the family finances. Regarding spending and saving, couples or family counseling can provide a safe and neutral place to discuss financial expectations and priorities, which can be crucial to the health and longevity of a partnership or marriage.
A sincere thank you to Lauryn for taking the time to share her thoughts.
Lauryn is a psychotherapist in Highland's professional network and has a Master's in Social Work. She runs a private practice in northern New Jersey and works with individuals, couples, and families in several specialty areas, including life transitions, grief and loss, and divorce. If you'd like to speak with her, she can be reached at 973-804-9288 or by clicking here.
Joseph Goldy, CFP®, is a wealth advisor and CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ at Highland Financial Advisors, LLC, a fee-only fiduciary wealth advisory firm based in Wayne, New Jersey.
Joe specializes in working with newly independent women because of divorce or losing a spouse. He understands firsthand the value of having a clear financial picture pre- and post-divorce and a plan to restate goals as a single person. When he is not helping clients, Joe enjoys spending time with his two sons outdoors and volunteering to help raise money for Type 1 diabetes organizations.